Yes, of course we does.

2011-09-30T01:30:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since my head was flooded with so many thoughts that I'm left with this ache to just blog about them. Actually, no, my head was never flooded with this many different thoughts before. Not in a span of like an hour or so at least. I'm usually driven to blog because there's just an issue so huge and so heavy that I can't sleep without getting it off my chest. And because I'm not one of those who can pick up the phone and rant to a friend about it, this blog ends up being my only outlet.

But tonight I was plagued by so may thoughts. These may seem very random mind you, but they included thoughts about talent, destiny, love, autonomy (yeah, you're probably thinking like where the hell did this come from), career, religion, family. I think I might blame this on the caffeine. I only had 2 cups of tea though! Not unusual. But this uneasiness and jumpiness I'm feeling right now is so nostalgic of the time I went crazy for coffee. Lol. Which didn't end too pleasantly.... So now I'm back to not drinking coffee very much. Haha. But seriously, my thoughts just jumped from one topic to the other like and electric pulse jumping form one node of ranvier to another down an axon (ha ha ha. Can't believe I just made a geeky analogy. Gosh. Something really is wrong with me!).

Okay but yah, trust me, all those topics do have very clear bridges in my mind. Bridges you'd only understand if you knew my life inside out. Some are common to everyone, like religion and family - that's an easy one. Or at least one that probably isn't unique to me. But yeah, the brain has a funny way of reminding you of the randomest people, events, and emotions when you're watching videos of the X factor (like I was for about 2 hours tonight), or reading an article about euthanasia (again like I was a while ago). But I appreciate it. I guess. Because in some of those moments when I was pondering about life, I felt so motivated. So motivated to do something about my life. But at the same time, in some of those moments I felt like a piece of crap. Because I was reminded of my incompetence. Or I was reminded of how I haven't found answers to my questions about life. Other times I was consumed with so much jealousy. Which made me realise today, so much of the negative energy and emotion that I experience stems from envy of others. I hate to admit it but I am a jealous person. I don't just mean this in the context of love, I mean this in the context of EVERYTHING. Really. I've spent so much of my life coveting what other people have. Wishing that I could have what they have. Wishing that I could do what they do. Wishing that I had done things differently so that I could have achieved what they have achieved. I've wished for so many things that I've finally decided, TONIGHT, that if could ever, EVER, (and I do mean E.V.E.R.) have just one wish come true, it would be that I could find wisdom. Wisdom to stop thinking about what others have that I lack and to start appreciating what I have got instead. What I can do about my own life. To start making decisions and actually sticking to them because that's the only way I'm ever going to achieve anything that I desire. Soooooo SICK & TIRED of being jealous. So very very sick and tired.

*deep breath*

YEAP. That about sums it all up. This blog post kinda reflects my state of mind tonight really. Jumping all over the place, ending in ways I didn't expect it to. Lol.

Oh just to squeeze in one more tiny little lament though(=D), I appreciate sleep for its ability to cure a bad day and for its ability to de-clutter my mind, BUT, the one thing I hate about it, is that it always puts out the fire I stoke in me the night before.=(

OH WELL. What can I do.....=(
Okay I think it's really time I did something about it. Hahaha.

(by the way, as I was typing the first sentence of this post, I couldn't stop hearing Lady Gaga in my head. Lol.)

2011-08-27T02:41:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air.

No, not becuase 'I know that I can count on you' (if you know where that's from)

And yes, sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care".

Again, not because 'you've got the love I need to see me through'.

But instead, because sometimes I just really wanna give up.

I am screwing with my life here. I thought I was making the right decisions. But when the investments don't pay off, you're just left to despair about the debt you've incurred. What am I to do about it though. I don't think my demands are absurd. I only want what everyone else wants. I may feel like shit right now, but come tomorrow I doubt anything is gonna change. It's a vicious cycle. And I'm sad to say that I probably won't stop until I get what I want, or, I end up in the dumps. tsk.

So yeah, sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air. Coz I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.

Urgh. Distressed over stupiak things. (and some people just have to rub it in your face. Lol. -.-)

2011-07-03T06:48:00.000+08:00

And so, because I can't fall asleep thanks to the nap I took at like 8pm, I decided that it was an opportune time to blog. Also because certain events during the night got me thinking about some lessons I felt I learnt after being shipped to Australia 4 months ago. Lol. I only had one beer tonight and a few random sips here and there, so I think I can still make sense. Hahahaha=)

Life lesson of relevance to tonight would be: When you find something good, don't f*ing let go.

Thought of this one during the trying first few months in Sydney when I was putting myself through crap regarding building new relationships and stuff. If it so happens that you who are reading this are one of the few I whined to during that period, then yes, you know what I'm talking about.=) Hahahaha. And you can take pleasure in the fact that YOU were something good that I found, and I'm going to do my best not to let you go. Being in Australia made me realise that starting over is not easy at all. To build the level of trust that you had with old friends would probably take the same number of years it took to do that with new friends. That no 2 people are alike, and you're never ever gonna find a perfect replacement for your loved ones back home. Nothing can replicate what you shared. And so, if what you had was special to you, don't try and put it away and move on to greener pastures, but instead treasure it and work to keep it. Of course you can't hope for things to be exactly the way they were, but in no way does it mean it has to end. And in no way does it mean it still can't progress.

I'm not demeaning the new people that I've met in any way. I think I've met some really special people and I'd love to see our bonds grow stronger over the years.=) It's just that the immaturity of our relationships triggered these feelings while I was there.

How is this relevant to tonight? Well more like the past week or so. And maybe even the past 6 months. I am confused. I feel like I may have stumbled upon something good. But that's all it is. A feeling. I can't be sure. We have no history. No experience to judge on. So do I hold on to it or let it go? In a way my mind has already been made up. Which is kinda based on another lesson I've been teaching myself while in Australia - out with the old, in with the new. This may sound contradictory to the first lesson I mentioned, but I mean this in regards to like... 'new opportunities' in Singapore. And like regrets. Like I can't possibly start anything new here when I'm not gonna be here most of the time. And with regards to regrets, whatever I failed to resolve or capatalise on, I need to forget. I need to stop thinking that I can make it right because its too late. I need to stop thinking that I can come home and pick up where I left. People move on and I need to as well. I can only hold on to those that I already have and start looking forward. I really have yet to move my life over to Australia. I'm still trying to live in Singapore when it is actually rather foolish. Seeing how I'm gonna be there for a good 5 more years.=/

So yeah. Such a tricky situation this is for me. I'm still learning how to make the most of this experience. I only hope that I've learnt enough in the first 4 months there to make the next 4 a lot more fruitful.

*BIG SIGH*

2011-05-30T19:03:00.000+08:00

Days like this when your confidence soars higher than ever and you feel up for any challenge.
Days like this when you start to believe in yourself again.
Days like this when you catch a glimpse of who you are.

Coupled with the fact that its a supposed lull period from school makes the day feel even better.=)

SUPPOSED lull because this course is just brutal. There is no break even though there may seem to be. All these farce safe houses along the way. You think you can stop and take a breather, well okay a breather, that's all you can really afford. Coz if you decide to stay the night, next thing you know the tigers are at your doorstep again. -.- SCREW YOU SCHOOL. All you've made me feel lately is overwhelmed. And underwhelmed at my own capabilities. But..... I have learnt a lot from you in the past few weeks I guess....... Like how you made me realise that how much I learn is really up to me. Hmmm....

Oh well. You still suck overall. You've turned me into a hermit.

Piece of shit!

2011-05-08T18:39:00.000+08:00

Today I grieve deeply for some(just some, of many) of my inadequacies.=(

Firstly, I am a terrible shopper. I set out this week to find myself a nice Autumn jacket because it was getting colder and stupidly I only brought 2 very thin jackets which were of course suitable for the Singapore standard of 'a cold day', failing to see the 'DUH-ness' that a cold day in Singapore is hardly comparable to a COLD DAY in Sydney. -.- I amuse myself sometimes. By how stupid I can get. Hahahaha. So anyways, I spent the whole week walking around various shopping areas to no avail. Even worse was that I went to each shopping district I think at least twice! Only because I never bothered trying on some of the jackets I thought I liked. And even when I did, somehow they gave me the false impression that they were awesome.
Example: I tried on a jacket at King st. Thought it was awesome. Went back there the next day because I couldn't find anything at Bondi. Tried it on again. Hated it. -.-

Strange...... After taking a second look at it on me, I couldn't see how I actually liked it to begin with! Haha. And then there was the enigmatic jacket in a shop at Bondi. I thought it looked nice, but it was out of my budget so I decided not to try it. Big mistake. The image of the jacket plagued me for the rest of the day. But thankfully, the next time I saw it, it was somehow... not so alluring anymore. o.o

Is it because I'm fussy or picky or what? I have no idea. But I find it so hard to find a jacket that I love.=( In actual fact, I find it hard to find anything that I love! And my mind so easily plays tricks on me. For what reason I don't know! Because it's not like we're 2 different people! Why does it have to convince me to buy something I don't love! -.- Somehow I managed to convince myself to buy a fcuk jacket that was on sale yesterday. Almost have price. But there were so many reasons why I didn't love it. It was puffy. It had drawstrings at the bottom. o.o It was a tad bit too plain for my liking. But I still bought it anyways. It made me happy for a few hours. Until I tried it on again in my room. Next thing I know I was on the internet finding out if fcuk had a return policy. SIGH. I'm such a mess.

So today I returned the jacket. I am so blessed that the lady at the counter didn't know that sale items aren't supposed to be refunded, instead can only be exchanged or converted into a voucher. I got a refund. THANK THE HEAVENS. Not many people get a second chance at life. But I did. I was already looking at other fcuk products I could buy using the voucher, resigned to consequences of my mistake. So thank you lady, I pray you don't get into trouble for refunding me.=)

I could come up with many examples of how my mind/brain convinces me to do the lamest shit ever. Like how it convinced me that I don't need to bring my shades out even though it was sunny as hell, because people might think I'm like a poseur or something, wearing shades in autumn. WTF. I spent half the bus ride cursing myself and the other half trying to understand how something like that could have happened.

I did manage to come up with a possible reason why I do the stupid things I do. At least for some of them. Sometimes I'm so afraid of people judging me, only because I judge others. So I know that there are people out there judging. And no matter how many times I reach an epiphany on how it doesn't matter what people think coz I am beautiful in every single way, I still fall into the trap of... I don't know what this trap is called and I'm too lazy to think. Lol. It's not peer pressure. Societal pressures? Wannabe-cool syndrome? Whatever. I used to think I was above that. I guess I hardly am. My mind is still as impressionable as ever. The only thing that has changed are the things that impress me.

Being yourself is so hard.

And it is so easy to lose yourself amongst everyone else's views. Too easy sometimes.=/

2011-04-27T17:01:00.000+08:00

Get your act together.
Get your act together.
Get your act together.

If I tell myself this enough times I pray it might just come true.

Sigh.

No more getting in over your head. If you want something, stop and think about it proper for once. Fleeting thoughts ain't gonna get you anywhere.

So get your act together already.

2011-04-08T22:59:00.000+08:00

So for a very long time tonight I was thinking that tonight would be a great opportunity to blog. It's Friday and I don't feel like doing work. And I felt like I owe it to whoever reads my blog to update it already. But I was struggling with the idea of blogging coz I couldn't think of anything that I really wanted to blog about. And blogging for the sake of blogging really doesn't do anything for me. So yeah, I'm just gonna pen down some thoughts on why my night tonight has been really shitty.

After really awesome Thai food we went to the beach. I've really really really wanted to visit the beach at night ever since I went there in the day. I love beaches at night. Maybe coz they're just so romantic. But also because I always see them as awesome places to have really awesome conversations with friends. So I took a stroll up to the cliff to see if it was really everything that I imagined it to be. To tell you the truth, I was a bit underwhelmed. Maybe coz I was more concerned about being there alone so I didn't sit down and try to soak in the environment. Maybe coz there weren't any lights on the sea surface like back home. But I don't really think that's a big issue. In fact, I'd like very much to go back there at night again. But the whole time at the beach alone, I really just wanted to ship my friends over from Singapore. One at a time every night, so we could lie on the beach, stare at the stars, and talk about our lives. Talk about our most private thoughts. I'd like that very much please.

Because I feel so alone here sometimes. Fucking alone.

Sorry, forgive me. I don't usually swear. I think this is the Grey's Anatomy talking. Watching it always leaves my mind messed up. But this is just how I feel now. Right now. At this very moment. I want to go up to my old friends, friends that I hold dear, and tell them to their face how much I love them and how much they truly mean to me. That's something I've never had the courage to do, but I'm ready now. Because being in a different country really makes a whole lot of difference.

wow. have I ever missed home this much since coming here? No freaking way. What's up with tonight. I don't understand. It's like a hidden reservoir of emotion locked up somewhere deep in my head was suddenly released. Well I'm glad it found its way out. Possible trigger was probably the thought about whether my friends would actually want to lie beside me on the beach and share their inner-most thoughts with me. Thoughts on how deep our friendship really goes. Thoughts on how much time I wasted not trying hard enough to connect with them when I had the chance to. I was scared I was scared I was scared. What exactly it is that I was afraid of I don't have a clue. Afraid things would end up awkward? Afraid that my feelings aren't reciprocated? Afraid of what I don't freaking know.

Phew. Okay, that was relieving.

Maybe my sub-conscious had something to do with my decision to blog tonight. Coz it has truly been therapeutic. My head is a lot clearer now. Still don't feel like giving a shit about school work though. Hahahahaha. But I doubt that's got anything to do with this.

Sigh. Things are always better in the mornings. Shitty nights are always resolved by sleep. But somehow I think things won't change one bit when I wake up. Coz tomorrow I'll go about the things I'm supposed to do, and the promises I made to myself in the heat of the moment will be forgotten. I'm weak that way.

Change damn it. It's really about time.

2011-03-21T15:34:00.000+08:00

My afternoon naps/power naps are usually as tiring as they are refreshing. As I've learnt from the many naps I took in between classes back in VJ(and sometimes during classes=D) as well as the almost daily naps I had during my whole NS life(hahahaha), as long as it's in the afternoon, it's always crammed full of very hectic dreams.=/ Most of them a continuation of the activities that happened before I fell asleep or at least they're quite current and very, very real. Maybe its because most of the time I'm barely sleeping. As in like half asleep? Just beneath the surface of the sea of sleep?(Don't know if you get this analogy, but it paints a really serene and mystical picture for me=)) Hahaha. So anyway, the nap I had this afternoon was no different. I don't usually record my dreams, but this one was kinda different.

The first dream was kinda amusing. Lol. I remember dragging myself out of the dream because someone in there said it was 2.30pm already and I should wake up. O.O Strange......... But it wasn't 2.30pm. Instead it was only about 1.20pm and my alarm was only set for 1.30pm. So I went back to sleep for 10 mins. And during that 10 mins I had one of the happiest dreams I've ever had(Or at least that I can remember). And in that dream, I distinctively remember asking someone if it was a dream, and asked for assurance that I won't just wake up from it. That person smiled and told me that 'this' was for real and that I had nothing to be worried about.

That person lied.

Next thing I know I'm awake. And this huge HUGE pang of sadness just overcame me. I felt cheated. Fooled. ANNOYED. Disappointed. But mostly just sad. This whole thing may sound really lame to you but it made me realise what I truly left behind back in Singapore. And that was love. I came here convincing myself that I could easily find substitutes for everything I had back home. Friendship was easy to find and the very day my parents left I managed to find people I felt I could call friends. But one week into my parents absence it struck me that these new friends I made could hardly give me what my friends or family back home could. Not to belittle the relationships I've forged with people here though, cause I do feel that I've met some really awesome people here and I don't see an end to our relationships in sight.=) But one night while I lay on my bed waiting to fall asleep, I was hit by a sudden wave of 'discomfort'. I was dying to be hugged by someone. ANYONE. And even till today, I haven't given or received a hug from anyone since the last night my parents were in Australia.=( It was then that I realized my friends offered me more than just companionship. Back home, I would greet my Mum with a hug everyday when I left or returned home. Likewise I would greet many of my friends with a nice warm hug.=) Well I guess I took that all for granted.=/ (and no, hugs are not the only thing my friends offer besides companionship. hahaha)

Now that I'm here, starting life all over again, I've really got no one to turn to for a hug. And huge part of the reason for that is again, myself. For someone who is comforted greatly by the smallest human touch, I never initiate. I never dare to. In fact, with new people, I'm weary of the littlest touch coz I'm always afraid that it might make others uncomfortable and that can make me really awkward in certain situations. Lol. But in actual fact, I'm always open for hugs. Hugs are nice. and warm. and fuzzy. and they make me happy. and they make me feel loved.=) But maybe also, I'm just not ready to hug these people. It's not so simple. A hug really goes further than just physical contact and maybe I don't initiate these hugs coz I don't feel we're at that level yet?=/

So I guess until I can find a new Family here (which I believe shouldn't take too long. Hopefully), the yearning to return home to the comfort of old friends won't stop.=(

But I shouldn't worry. It's only been a month. I can't possibly try to replicate what I built for years in that time.=) So yeah. I've gotten used to this process of starting over anyways, and I'm getting more and more comfortable by the day.=)

Everything in it's right time Taariq, everything in it's right time...

(A hug wouldn't kill though)

2011-03-07T17:02:00.000+08:00

What a pleasant change in outcome!

I was dreading my Anatomy practical class this afternoon ever since I had the last one on the 3rd. The memory of that class really scarred me. Lol. Yes, you may say that I'm exaggerating, but I swear I'm not. The experience really knocked me off my feet. It blatantly laid down in front me the weaknesses of my personality, as naked as the dissected bodies on the table in front of me. It was a weakness that I hadn't need to address in the longest time, because back in Singapore the last time I was thrown into a pool of strangers was back in the beginning of NS, more than 2 years ago! And honestly, I find that most Singaporeans are like me. Or at least it's really easy to find a person with similar inhibitions when it comes to strangers. Hence I had no trouble in taking my time to forge relationships.=) I was in my comfort zone. Well as comfortable as I could get I suppose. I know my weakness and I know it well. But it instead of finding ways to eradicate it, I found ways to get around it without improving myself. Because really, improving yourself is such a tedious task is it not? Not to mention extremely uncomfortable at the beginning. We all know that the outcome will be wonderful and that it will all be worth while, but as I always see it, knowing is never enough. Everyone knows the right thing to do. Doesn't mean everyone does it.

Why is it so hard to just be me and be happy. I never ever can satisfy myself. But at the same time, I can hardly find the strength to change who I am. Sigh. Such is life?=/

Anyways, I had better get to explaining this 'pleasant change in outcome'. As you may have guessed, I had my 2nd anatomy practical this afternoon.(Hooray!) And I was worried things would just end up the same way it did the last time round, which simply means me being a loner not daring to utter a single word to the numerous numerous people surrounding me, thus leaving the class solemnly, beating myself up for being such a coward. I was SO worried that this would happen that I spent the whole weekend formulating a master plan for the next lesson.(huahuahua!) My initial plan was to zoom in on a friendly face in class and latch on to that person like a parasite!=D I was so psyched after all the encouragement and consoling my friends gave me that I felt like I could definitely pluck up the courage and make friends out of these menacing strangers. But duh, an adrenaline rush only lasts for like a few minutes or so. Although mine lasted for about a day I guess. Hahahaha. After which I discovered a way to weasel out of my problem and back into the safety net of already friends.=) It was simple, I would just crash another class! AWESOME AIN'T IT. So simple. No fuss, no worry and comfort guaranteed.=) But turns out I didn't even have the guts to flout the rules. -.- I watched my friends helplessly as they left my side and sighed. Time for emotional scarring - Round 2.

BUT IT WASN'T!=D The tutor said the magic words, 'Break into groups of 4.' I think my eyes literally lit up when I heard that coz DAMN, I knew I could work in small groups.=) Right place right time and I was on my way to talking to the Australians.=) I wouldn't really consider them as friends just yet, but they spoke to me! Quite a number of them did! Even beyond the group of 4! And I spoke to them! HAHA! It was bliss. I left the class feeling so good about myself.=) Although I don't know if I should, coz moral of the story: I was still a coward. But a damn lucky one! All I can say is thank god I was I didn't have the guts to flout the rules. Phew. My inherent goodness has served me well.=)

So yeah. No change. I'm still me. Still as big a wuss as ever. But heck, at least I'm happy today. The hard work can wait for now.=)

2011-03-03T20:31:00.000+08:00

Just experienced 2 of the most excruciating hours of my life thus far. Honestly at this point of time I can't think of any other past experience that can top this in terms of the misery I felt. I felt small and insignificant. And I felt downright helpless. It was horrid. I just didn't know what to do!=( And even though I didn't try hard enough probably, I really did put in some effort....=( Never would I have imagined that integrating with the Australians would be the biggest of my problems here. Sigh.

I know its mostly my fault. I judge them before I even try to get to know them. But you can't blame me for that. I am trying to stop judging people, but this is innate. Everyone treats people according to the first impression he/she gives you. I look at them and immediately I decide that we have nothing in common. That there is absolutely nothing we can talk about after basic introductions. And so half the time I don't start a conversation. Okay maybe ALL the time. Lol. Me being my shy and insecure self, I prefer people start conversations with me. Then at least I can kinda assume that they'll be interested in anything I have to say. Maybe I'm just afraid of rejection. Afraid that they don't reciprocate with a question. And then I'll just be left there looking like a fool. o.o

Now do you get my new year resolution? People terrify me. Not human beings in general, but strangers. Strangers that I need something from. Maybe I'm afraid of giving someone completely new to me the upper hand. Just afraid of putting myself out there to be judged. When really I shouldn't give a damn. Yes you can tell me that all these fears are really uncalled for, but I'm sorry, people do have irrational fears and this is mine. I am trying to work on it honestly. But I need time. I'm used to being reserved around people I don't know. I'm used to taking my time in forging a friendship. But that's not how things work around here I guess. Everyone is everyone else's best friend after 5 seconds of being in the same room. o.o Now how do I weasel my way into a circle that seems to be already closed?=(

Time to brush up on my social skills. Sigh. This is hard.......

2011-02-27T21:47:00.000+08:00

I know that in my previous post I was going on about how much I really wanted school to start and I know that everyone who has spoken to me in the last 2 weeks have clearly been told by me that I have been DYING for school to start since I dunno, the land before time, BUT, now that school is going to start TOMORROW.... I'm sitting here really really wishing that it didn't have to.=(

You see, I'VE JUST BEEN HAVING TOO MUCH FUN!

I've never had so much fun in such a long long time!=) The past week went by feeling like an overseas trip with friends! (instead of family.) And it has been awesome. I finally get to know what it's like. Been wanting to embark on a trip overseas with my friends for the longest time but none of our plans ever come to pass. Instead I sit around in Singapore watching ALL my other friends go on short trips to places nearby and some even on extravagant trips far away. And every single one of them return with stories and photos to share that I have to sit down and swallow with a smile even though inside I'm burning with jealousy and hatred at their luck of having such an experience.=)

So, HA. Take that! This year I embark on my 6 year holiday in Sydney! Woohoo! And the first week has been splendid! =P=P=P

But anyway, back to reality, school starts tmr.=( SIAN. I was really looking forward to school trust me. But what changed my mind was the faculty welcome we had on Tuesday. Well more like a welcome LECTURE. It was long. And I was reminded of all those long dreary lectures I had back in VJC(I love you VJC), which I honestly dreaded. Lol. Especially the Math ones. I could never focus. Half of my lecture notes were empty.=/ On the plus side, I'm doing a course that I chose because I really am interested in it. So lectures are supposed to be exciting and interesting are they not? Because I should be really awed by all the information being thrown at me. Right?=/ Grah. I just hope I don't sleep as much in school as I used to. Lol.

Which brings me to one other thing. My new year resolutions. Okay maybe not really 'new year' resolutions, because I never really believed in them and hence never made any. With the exception of this year. The only one which I posted on Facebook(yeah I know, so cheesy and gross. And some time in mid Jan so yeah, not really 'new year') together with half the world population, was to be as brave as Taylor Swift. If you don't get it never mind. Oh wth, I'll just explain anyways. Taylor Swift inspired me to be as brave as her in her song 'Speak now' where she courageously interrupted a wedding and ran away with the groom. Now how awesome is that!!!!! So yeah. I made a resolution to be braver than I usually am. Because if you knew the things I was afraid to do you would be calling me a wuss right now. Hahaha. I had little faith in this whole resolution thing as I mentioned earlier, but in this 2 months I have really seen how the term 'resolution' changes everything. It's weird I know, but taking time to really put some serious thought into what you want, labeling it with a strong word such as 'resolution' and sharing it with the rest of the world seems to give it some sort of extra power. Every time I feel like backing out of something, I think back about how I resolved to change the way I am and suddenly I find it in myself to go against my usual habits. I am honestly impressed by the power of language and what it means to us. Strong words really do make a difference. So maybe next time if you SWEAR to yourself that you will do the laundry today instead of just telling yourself that you ought to, you might just end up having a higher success rate. Hahaha.=)

So the whole previous paragraph was completely irrelevant. And since I have been rambling on for too long, I shall keep the rest short. Hahaha. My other resolution was unpublished because I decided it should be a 'new Month' resolution instead. I felt that there was no reason why I shouldn't try and change that habit in a month. Namely to sleep earlier. It did have some success before I left for Australia mind you, but since I got here, whew, seems like I never made it in the first place. Lol. So yes, SCHOOL HAS BEGUN. I NEED TO SLEEP EARLY. ER. EARLIER.(early is too much to ask for)

Yay for resolutions. I can do this! Next problem to solve: Punctuality. Sigh. Been getting worse and worse and worse.=(

Oh and I had one more resolution. To touch and Elephant. Inspired by 'Eat, Pray, Love'. I hope I get the same joy out of doing it as she did. Hahaha.

A cockroach has infiltrated my room and is now in my wardrobe. I am terrified to death. God save me please.=( HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP IN PEACE.

2011-02-17T23:16:00.000+08:00

I may not be the brightest star, but I'd like to think that I still shine in my own little way.

Bright enough to be seen at least?=/

Sigh. Comparing yourself with scholars really never leads to anything good does it? All it does is make you feel miserable. Unless of course you ARE a scholar. I don't do it all the time, but every now and then I get reminded of some bright stars of my previous schools and start to think about my own life and what I've done with it. And HELL my resume doesn't impress me. Hahaha. So then begins the digging for dirty laundry. Something to prove that these scholars aren't as perfect as they seem. Because really, you can't have it all can you? But so what if you find out that they aren't perfect? You're just doing it to make yourself feel better. You try to convince yourself that really, you're not that far behind or really, that's not the life you want anyways. Because at least, you know, I've got more time to have fun, or at least I'm better looking(don't judge), blah blah. So you don't stress out anymore, because somehow, now you're equals. And then you fall back into your old routine, the routine that really never got you anywhere. Next thing you know, Scholar dude is back on top and you're still down below trying to figure out what went wrong.

Maybe its better not to dig for dirty secrets. I prefer my idols to be perfect. Or rather, I prefer my competition to be perfect. So then at least I know there's always something I need to work towards. Because honestly, there really is a lot of work cut out for me. If I want to shine as bright as Scholar dude. LOL. Who am I kidding. Ain't gonna happen anytime soon. And really, I'm way too far behind for that.

Scholar dude is not fictional. I know someone I deem to be perfect and honestly, I'm still baffled by that possibility. How on earth can he have it all. I am so jealous. I really really am.

Oh well. Time to buck up loser. Try to make this time count please.

2011-02-09T18:55:00.000+08:00

*Breathe breathe breathe*

This trip has proven to be a real test of my patience. WHEW. Okay this might be something unusual to rant about because I probably should have bigger things to worry about and all but HECK, this is the only issue that has compelled me to blog. And that is, I really don't know how much longer I can stand being around my parents.

PLEASE DON'T GET ME WRONG.

You must understand. I have never, NEVER I repeat, spent this amount of time with my parents ALONE. Sure my family does go on the occasional holiday for like a week or 2 at a stretch, but at least my siblings would be around!!!! I'm dying. Dying for some companionship besides that of my parents. Again, do not misunderstand, I love my parents very much and I am truly grateful that they are here to help see me through this tough transition period. Today itself they have helped set up my bank account and followed me to find accommodation(which we secured, thankfully). I admit, I could never do any of that on my own. Nothing this large scale. Maybe moving to another place in the same country I can manage. But moving to a new country? NO WAY. So yes, thank you Mother and Father, I owe you 2 my life really.

But I am sorry. You need to leave. SOON. Or at least leave me alone.=( God. I spent a whole 12 hours with them today and I feel like my head is about to explode any minute now. Thank god I have been returned to my laptop in a corner of my Aunt's place - the closest place to home right now - while my parents converse with my cousin in the kitchen downstairs. I have been really good okay. I didn't snap at my mum the WHOLE DAY. Even though my tongue was dying to lash out some unfriendly words. I don't want that. There is no point in that. Unnecessary unhappiness. So please please please, I hope now that the bulk of my concerns before uni have been addressed, I can have more time to myself. ALONE.

Please don't think any less of me after reading this. That's just my idea of family. I know it's not the best nor ideal, but it's the only way I know how to function in my family. For now at least.

Will school start already?

And oh yah, if you didn't manage to pick out certain updates in that rant, here's a summary:

- I have an Australian bank account! (not that it really matters to anyone else. Hahaha)

- I have a place to stay!=D (Which is just opposite UNSW! I take 2 mins to walk to school! WTH! Awesomeness. It's a decent place. But I'm staying with a Chinese family(that consists of an old couple, their ancient mother and a daughter) and another student from China. This is the only part I feel kinda urgh about. But they will cook for me and do my laundry. Hahahaha.)

- I got my student ID card! (The office where you get it is kinda interesting. It has like a bank counter, you take a few steps back form the counter and take a seat against a white screen. Staring right at you IN the counter is a camera that takes your ID photo. Lol. My camera was a bit lopsided and so was my hair. o.o But at least I managed a decent smile.=D So all's well. Hahaha)

2011-01-24T00:33:00.000+08:00

Woke up today(today being Sunday 23rd Jan) feeling kinda miserable.

Not just any kind of miserable, but the kind of miserable that nothing and no one can make me feel better kind of miserable. Except the one person who caused this misery probably. But sad thing is I don't think you'll ever know that you affect me so much. And I don't think you really give a shit. I should really put this all behind me, seeing how it's been so long since I've had anything to do with you. But it's never that easy eh? Always easier said than done.

Coincidentally, a friend told me he was miserable today too. When I asked why he explained himself, but went on to say also that he was just being immature and I really shouldn't bother. I replied saying that its alright to feel immature and that we all go through phases like these. We just need to remember that they always pass eventually. Essentially, that's what I've been telling myself the whole day actually. Lol. But knowing that it passes never really makes the process that much easier to bear huh. Oh well. Thank god by the time I woke up half the day was already gone. Hahahaha. And actually my phase is kinda passing already. So yay for me.

I had a lot on my mind the whole day actually. But somehow at this point time, I have absolutely no idea how to put any of them into words. Maybe because I kinda resolved them in my head already so I see no need to pen them down. My thoughts have kinda left my mind already, and the strong emotions they brought along with them have kinda abated already too....

So yeah, all that's left for you to read is a really really badly structured, messy and kinda pointless blog post. Hahahahaha. I apologise.=)

(I tried reading this post and DAMN this is such a horrible read. Wow.)

2011-01-14T18:47:00.000+08:00

Gosh. Major change in plans.

After a talk with my parents over dinner last night, I got some insights into their plans for me for the rest of the year. And damn were they unexpected. My idea of this Sydney 'holiday' was that it was kinda like that, a HOLIDAY. I'd go there and study, but I'd still consider Singapore my home, and still consider what I have in Singapore my Life, the BIGGEST part of my Life. But it seems.... now, I have to go over and... start a new life there and make that my home. And treat Singapore and everything here as... a nice place to holiday at. Treat everything here as... secondary. o.o

Wow.

Wasn't expecting that from my parents at all..... But I guess money really does take precedence over all sometimes.... They seem completely fine with not having me around for years at a time?=/ I don't get it. Since when were they.... Well since now I guess. Oh well. I guess this is what I signed up for. And its just time to face reality. It's not supposed to be and easy breezy beautiful education after all.

I'm scared.

Can the day just arrive already? Coz I can't stop worrying. And worrying, as all the wise people say, is so unnecessary. Sigh.

2011-01-07T22:15:00.000+08:00

I am going to Sydney to further my studies.

For an event that sounds so trivial and simple, it sure as hell is freaking complicated! -.- but I'm not referring to the process or preparation involved here. I'm talking about the emotional rollercoaster that I've been going through. It's insane. There are a million different things I can think about when my mind drifts off into the future. Not all of the thoughts pleasent though. Sometimes it pains me so much to think about it that I have to consciously block it out of my head for I fear I might end up an emotional wreck.

But whatever it is I feel when I dream of Sydney, I'm starting to feel that this is good for me. In so many ways, this will be good for me. I only hope that that will be true. Coz there do seem to be a ton of stories about international students in Australia going rouge. Lol. Is that the right word??? Hahaha. Okay whatever lah. They just havoc. Lol. Please please please don't let that be me....=/

Anyway, sorry Australia is the only thing I blog about these days. Coz err.. Australia is the only thing I think about these days. Lol. So yeah. Whaaaaaaaaat the hell!=) (The wth is supposed to be from Avril's new song if you were wondering. Lol.)

P.S I typed this whole post on my iPhone!=D
(Okay I don't think it's that big a deal.)
(And that's why it's rather short. Tired already. Urgh.)

2011-01-05T13:30:00.000+08:00

Okay there's one thing I'm really excited about for Sydney. And that's that....

I CAN FINALLY GET MY OWN 'REAL' FAKE ACCENT!!!!

=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D

WHOOPEE!

HIAKHIAKHIAKHIAKHIAKHIAKHIAK! *snort snort*

Excuse my excessive excitement, but I think having a fake accent is hilarious.
And OMGOSH SO FUN.=D
Can't wait to try it out when I return to Singapore.=P

In other news, I'm almost done with all the red tape processes for the trip(yay), but still left with a whole shit load of other stuff to sort out!(Damn) So much trash to clear in my room. And I haven't even got down to deciding what I should bring over. I wish I didn't have to work anymore so I'd have time to stay home and go through all my stuff and really organise my preparations. Right now its just a jumbled mess of information in my head taken from multiple sources about what I should do, what I need to do, what I should be wary of, what I should take advantage of, etc, and its driving me NUTS. And between all this I still have to meet up with peeps and leave time for other leisure activities like..... blahblahblah.

SIANNERS.

This whole process has been a real test of my independence, and my report slip shows BELOW AVERAGE. or SHITTY/SCREWED UP/PATHETIC more like it.=( (hmmm.....imagine if schools used such words in report slips.... 'Conduct: HORRID! Tom was a stupid kid who was pathetic at Math. He was useless at all other subjects as a matter of fact. Ought to be culled. Likewise for all the other dumb children.' Now wouldn't that be swell. Hahahaha) Anyway, now I finally realise how dependent I have been on my parents. As much as I like to think that I can survive on my own, I now know I haven't been doing that all this time. Making your own decisions in regards to your social life and time management with bits and pieces related to your education without your parents breathing down your neck is NOT independence. There are so many other aspects of my life which I have never managed by myself. Hence, I feel extremely fortunate for this opportunity. If I went to NUS, I'd probably still be as clueless as before.=/

I'm sure a wake up call is in order, waiting for me in Sydney.
I just hope it won't be too rude.=/

2010-12-31T17:50:00.000+08:00

Homg. Its the last day of 2010.

This is scary shit. Usually the new year is really not that big of a deal to me, but its gonna be 2011 as of tomorrow and 2011 is a big deal for me.

I am scared. I am very nervous about starting the new year.

Its crunch time. Got to put my game face on.

But my insides are still trembling with fear.=/

2010-12-27T23:46:00.000+08:00

My room is a Junkyard.

A Junkyard of memories.=)

Spent about 5 hours today trying to clear out my cupboards in preparation for the move to Sydney. I only spent 5 hours although I was home the whole day cause I only woke up at 4pm.=P But also because I was waiting for my brother to leave the house! So I'd get the whole room to myself. HUAHUAHUA. Love having the room to myself. Locked the door, blasted music and got down to work.(stopped to dance now and then when a nice song came on.) So I cleared out a few bags full of trash by the end of my cleaning spree and my room STILL looks like a mess. -.- Damn i have so much rubbish.

It probably took so long because when i looked through all my papers stashed away or all the kitsch lying around I'd get brought back to the time, place and event surrounding that item. For some, I'd sit there smiling to myself for the longest time, reminiscing about fun times, wishing I could just experience it all again. Just even for a day. Primary School, Secondary School, JC. Miss it all so much. Even NS actually. Found some interesting stuff from NS too. Lol. But ost of my NS stuff are just bulky and annoying though. And I have no place to put them! LBV and all that crap. -.-

One item I found made me smile when I first saw it. But once I flipped through it for 5 secs and I couldn't wait to GET RID OF IT. Gosh. Don't ask me why I still have it, but it was the book you receive in Sec 4 to give you info about JAE application and all the JCs and crap. I remember how nervous I was about VJ's cut-off. But thats not it. As I was flipping through all the schools, I was suddenly attacked by a thousand 'what if' thoughts. D= It was scary. Might not sound scary to you, but it was hellava scary to me!!!! Hate moping around in regret about life choices. So damn miserable. Been there plenty of times. *shudders*

Oh well. That concludes day 1 of spring cleaning. Urgh. Thought I'd only need a day to complete it but i guess not. Damn. I only have a 1 week break from work!!=( need to find time to stay home again..... Boo.

So much to do so little time!=(

2010-12-12T06:56:00.000+08:00

Promises.

Never bought into the idea of them. Not because I've experienced a multitude of broken promises in my life so far, but just because people sound stupid when they make them. I don't remember when I stopped believing in them. Probably sometime after primary school coz the first thing that comes to my mind when someone asks me for a promise is: 'That's so primary school. Grow up.'. People change. Times change. What once was felt may be lost.

Seriously. The word 'promise' should really be taken out of the dictionary. Or at least not be used when emotions come into play. It's lame. I don't want someone doing something for me just because he/she promised me so. I want someone to do something for me because he/she wants to. Don't use the word so lightly. You have no idea what it means to people.

Even though I don't believe in them, when someone breaks a promise that was made to me, a part of me still dies inside.

2010-12-06T00:44:00.000+08:00

I have a love-hate relationship with rom-coms.
(If you don't know what that is, here's a hint: Romantic Comedies)

Every single one is the same and every single one makes me feel the same way after I'm done watching it.
I'm not too sure if Rapunzel is considered a rom-com coz its a Disney animated film, but essentially, it has the same plot as all the other 'adult'(no I do not mean x-rated here) rom-coms out there.

Girl is sad(and attractive).
Girl meets boy who is an unlikely match(usually under strange circumstances).
Boy turns out to be the perfect match(and also happens to be very attractive).
Girl has trust issues with boy even though he makes her very happy.
Certain event(past coming back to haunt, misunderstanding etc,) causes girl to leave boy(crying while doing so usually).
Boy does something to salvage the situation(or girl realizes her folly).
And they live happily ever after.

I LOVE IT.
And I can't get enough of it. Even though they're all the same, I still am very drawn to them. Just can't help it. Maybe because the circumstances are always a bit different. Like they have different jobs, and they lead different lives. Thus the scenery is different and the jokes are different and they always lead interesting lives and have random jobs like cheese farming. Is that even the right term? o.o

But anyway, I love them coz they show me a perfect love. And I am naive enough to believe that whatever they have, I can have too. And I really want to have what they have. So badly. So very badly that I hate the movie for showing it to me. Because its so FREAKING HARD to get it! And then I just end up moping over how my life is so miserable because I haven't found the perfect love. Because I've never done all those romantic things in beautiful places with anyone. I've never been able to be so free and easy with anyone like they can. URGH. So annoying! Stupid sluts.

But its alright. I don't blame them. I know it's not everyday that you meet someone wonderful who ends up being your soulmate. So I will continue to strive and search for that perfect Love. The one that will make nothing else matter(as much). Sigh. As I like to quote(because I feel it very true), my Myers Briggs personality test very kindly informed me that I am an Idealist. So yes, I am an Idealist. I kinda like the fact that I am an Idealist. But that's besides the point. Point is, I'm not ready to settle for anything less than perfect at the moment. Not anytime soon I believe.

So whoever you are, wherever you are, wait for me. Coz I will find you. I WILL find you.

Rapunzel was a good movie. I liked it very much.

2010-11-28T15:09:00.000+08:00

Sometimes people do stupid ignorant things with complete disregard of the possible consequences and how they may affect the people around them. But acknowledging that it's human to make such mistakes does not change the fact that once the damage is done, some things just never return to the way they were.

This is one mistake that I will beat myself up for for a very very long time.

Good Job Taariq Chew, you just killed your own happiness you selfish piece of animal crap.

2010-11-24T00:34:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I don't know what I'm feeling. And it scares me.
But mostly it annoys me more than anything.

I don't like the unknown.
But I do like surprises.
lol.

Can't wait to start working! At least then I'd have something to keep me occupied. AND most importantly I'd be earning some cash. Haha. I hope work won't be boring. And I hope the people are nice(and hot)(and are interested in me. That would be fun=D).

Pleasepleasepleaseplease.

2010-11-16T00:27:00.000+08:00

Thank god for leftovers.

Just had a sudden urge to EATEATEAT. Don't know why. Happens once in a while. But when it happens i just want to eat anything and everything i can find. I desperately wanted to drive out for supper but I couldn't find company so i went down to the kitchen and THANKFULLY, there was some spaghetti left.=) YUM. I feel so satisfied now. Although my day still does feel kinda rather incomplete. I have been having the laziest 2 days of my life EVER. All I've done since yesterday afternoon(I say afternoon coz i only got home in the afternoon on Sunday) was sit around at home and watch Glee, Grey's Anatomy and ANTM. I did go for an interview this afternoon which really lasted only 15 mins. -.- Travelled all the way to Raffles place and after 15 mins, travelled all the way back to Tampines. How fun. Why didn't I go to town or smth after my interview you ask? COZ I HAD NO ONE TO GO WITH.=( Or at least i didn't ask and no one asked me. Lol. Sadness.

Ah well. At least I managed to catch up with the few shows that I actually follow... I know there are a million other shows that I could use this free time to watch like... Big Bang Theory and HIMYM and Chuck and Desperate Housewives and I dunno what else, but I've had enough time at home to myself. If i have another day like this in the near future, I would kill myself. Okay no I won't. I'd just cry in a corner at home probably. o.o

While I was eating my spaghetti and thinking about how it is now that I need to get out of the house and do smth before I feel like my day was well spent, I was reminded of my younger days in Primary school when I didn't meet friends outside of school. And all I did was play computer games and watch TV at home and went to sleep early. And I was satisfied with life? Gosh I was such a loser. Hahahaha. I also got reminded of the time I was at Jovi's house with the rest preparing for Halloween and looking across the street I noticed a bunch of children playing at their porch. This girl and boy were on their scooters riding around in circles in that limited space, which means the circles were really small, with their younger cousins or whoever running after them screaming in joy. They did this for a good 10-15mins. Round and round. In circles. Not even at a very high speed. In circles. And they were happy.(And they looked stupid too) And I just thought 'wth? I wish riding around in circles was enough to make me happy.'

Sigh. Sometimes I wish I was a simpleton.

Okay maybe not. It sounds scary.

2010-11-10T17:21:00.000+08:00

HOLLER!

I got my freaking Driver's License this morning! (okay, more like a piece of not so cheap paper that is pretending to be a driver's license, but whatever, same difference)

YEEHAW.

Wow, come to think of it, I actually spent about close to an entire year in total to get my license. Not because I had to re-take a gazillion times, but because of the drama with my first instructor. Which ended with me busting the windows of his car.(But it don't compare to my broken heart~ and my empty wallet. -.-) Grr... such a waste of time and money. Well at least I passed on the first try with my new instructor!=) If not I would have probably run in front of another testee's car in an attempt to kill myself. And cause him/her to get an immediate failure for killing a pedestrian. tsktsk. Aren't we glad that didn't happen?=)

In other news, I just had a medical check-up at Raffles Hospital as part of my Visa application. And it cost me $222.55. Like wth? Gosh. It wasn't even that extensive. -.- If I ever come back to Singapore to work. That's the kind of place I'd like to be, seriously. I am so damn broke now. Thankfully this paying for expensive shit stops today. Driving done. Dental done. Visa done. Phew. BUT NO JOB!!!!!!!! ARGH. I am so screwed. Anyone, GIVE ME MONEY! I'd do anything for you! ANYTHING. Just please don't let me starve in Australia....=(

Somebody saveeeeeee meeeeee~~~~~ please?

2010-11-06T19:49:00.000+08:00

Excerpt from my Monash Medicine interview back in I don't remember when exactly actually:

Interviewer 1: So when does your National Service end?

Awesome possum Me: November. (smiles sweetly)

Interviewer 2: (exasperated tone, to Interviewer 1) Everybody's ending in November! There's going to be huge party here in November!

Brilliant Me: (Giggles along with Interviewer 1 and gives demure smile)

In my head I was going 'HO HO HO... You have no idea.....=P'

And boy was he right! Crazy crazy ORD party last night.

BIG THANKS TO CAI YIMING!
(although honestly, no ones really gonna see this. coz my blog is such a loser. Sorry about that Yiming.) For helping to plan and organise our awesome BMT gathering.=) It felt like BMT all over again when I saw my fellow Scorpion section mates. Awww....=) Such a funny feeling. The same way ORD-ing is such a funny feeling. Like what.......... what the hell just happened? I ORD-ed? Huh? Really? Ouh okay. Thank you very much. See you bye. And then you don't know what to do. lol. Strange strange feeling it is to ORD. You look forward to it since the day you enlist, or even before that. But when it finally arrives, the feeling is so anti-climatic. -.- But whatever, I'm not complaining! Don't have to deal with all that shit anymore. Yay.=) My NS life was kinda filled with alot of bad decisions though. lol. I think I could have enjoyed it alot more, but sadly I didnt take advantage of all the luck I had. What with my posting to medic course and then to PTMC and all, I really was very lucky. But..... oh well. Maybe it's not me. Maybe you just can't have it all. You win some and you lose some.=)

2010-11-03T01:01:00.000+08:00

The Heart wants what the Heart wants.

But dearest Heart, have you not already heard? You can't always get what you want. So seriously, it's about time you SHUT UP and grew up already.

DAMN.

REALLY. Like get a life or something. You know it's not gonna happen, and you know nothing good's gonna come out of this obsession, so please, just stop whining and putting all kinds of strange ideas in my head. Pretty please? Because it's tiring and it's a waste of my freaking time and energy to think about things that cannot and will not be. I'm better off doing something more productive like, i dunno, run naked down Orchad road or smth. -.- Seriously.

GET OUTTA MY HEAD, HEART.

Thank you very much for your time.

2010-11-01T20:19:00.000+08:00

HOLA!

Gosh I am finally blogging again.

After contemplating doing so for a very long time, I have decided that today shall be the day. If you realise, my last post was in March 2009! That's about a year and 9 months ago. cool.......=) my blog is so pathetic I could actually read every single one of my posts in a single night. lolz.... But my, how things have changed since the last time I've been here! The last post being about my medicine application to NUS. HAHA. How old school is that! -.- I'm thinking the only people who'd read this are people who actually know me(right?), so yeah, you should probably already know that I was rejected a place in NUS(eons ago), and have landed myself a place in UNSW instead! (chose that over Monash=/). AND if all goes well....(please please please, let me have my Visa) I'll be off in February! Whoopee!=D

But I shall not waste time catching up with my blog. Its crazy if I were to try and document all the big events that have happened in my life since then. fooyo. Shall not bother.

The REAL reason behind this sudden urge to blog is that...

I GOT MY BRACES OFF TODAY!!!
HAHAHAHAHHAA. GOSH. OMG.

No more hours spent agonizing over a piece of chicken stuck in the back of my teeth

No more freak ulcers appearing coz the wires decided to be bitchy

And no more having to worry about cutting someone else's tongue when it's in my mouth! YEEHAW!
(Actually I never really believed that could happen, but everyone else seems to think it's possible. But whatever, doesnt matter now!)

I was actually on the verge of hyperventilating in front of the toilet mirror a while ago as I was admiring my new set of pearly not-so-whites.=D It's crazy! They look so foreign! But beautiful nonetheless.=)

Trust me, I had a awesome time with my braces. It was fun and it was cute and I was already used to all the shit it was giving me. And it kinda became part of my identity. But damn it was about time it went back to where it came from already!

So farewell my metal companion! (although I do have it in a small zip lock bag on my desk now as a souvenir. COOL RIGHT. HAHA.)

All I need now is some teeth whitener.=D

2009-03-22T01:21:00.003+08:00

i cannot STAND myself sometimes. i cannot stand how lazy i am and how last minute i am when it comes to important, scary deadlines. the tasks are just too daunting and i dont feel up to the challenge. i wish i loved writing essays or boasting about myself. that would make it alot easier for me to fill up scholarship application forms and write my freaking personal statement.

=(

im just very scared. so afraid that whatever i write isnt good enough. so afraid that i just refuse to start writing even though i have ample time to do so every FREAKING NIGHT. only now do i finally want to start writing it. tonight. when im left with one night before i return to camp. -.-

I SUCK BIG TIME.

GRAH. if i screw up my medicine application, i would understand why.

2009-03-14T00:57:00.001+08:00

okay i need to cool down calm down and stop thinking for awhile.

this is getting a tad bit out of control and i am not liking it.

stop.stop.stop.

2009-03-12T00:57:00.002+08:00

HELLO WORLD!=D

(or should i say instead, the pathetic few who read my blog.)
(pathetic referring to the number of people and not THE people.)
(just in case you were mistaken and thought i was insulting you, the reader of this blog, i was not.)
(=D)

OKAY. all that nonsense aside....

I. HAVE. POP-ED.
OHMYLORD.
I STILL CANT BELIEVE IT.
I AM SO FREAKING HAPPYYYYY!
=D

hahahaha. ah well. it really does feel good to be free for 12 days straight. that kind of freedom i have not experienced for 3 months. and that sucked big time. but of course, all the usual sappy stuff: i do miss bmt now that its over. tear...='( hahaha. it was kinda fun actually. coz of the people of course. i was so afraid that i wldnt make any friends there, but im sure that ive made more than just friends during the course of bmt.(no im not going to mention any of that cliche 'brudder' or 'buddy buddy' stuff. -.- that just kills me. URGH.) bmt was alot better than i expected it to be, as many before me have said the same. yes i believe you now. and yes i agree with you now that its because of the friends.=) funny. i hated bmt as much as i loved it. buurh! *shudder shudder* i am strange. i shouldnt say such things anymore. anyway, getting back to the topic, i dont think i really know what ive learnt abt myself during that 3 months. oh yes wait, one things for sure: not even the army can cure me of my lack of punctuality. TSKTSK. i guess im a hopeless case. oh wells... i tried. and the army tried. they really did try their best. but they didnt try hard enough. after all they did put in the slackest company of all time. i AM very grateful for that though.=) i suppose the company could be a reason why i enjoyed myself that much too. mmmmm.=)

ANYWAYS, ns aside, the A levels are officially, like seriously OFFICIALLY, OVER! there is no longer any part of it left to haunt us jc kids, except painful memories of studying for it, which my dentist told me will cause some of us tormented sleep on some nights as we dream about the As throughout our entire lifetime. how nice. but i am happy with my results so i hope my brain will remember that and not give me anymore nightmares. please. oh and i find it very amusing how we people cannot stop talking abt certain topics no matter how hard we try. for example, during the few months before our results, all we could ever talk abt was results. and now that we finally get them, all we can ever talk abt is our results, other people's results and uni applications. interesting... i guess it only happens when something really REALLY big is happening? i suppose A levels falls into the category of really REALLY big. haha. its just really amusing. hmmmm.

okay thats about all i feel like saying for now.=) i blogged in an attempt to keep my blog alive. hopefully it will stay alive now that i have more time on my hands. and hopefully i will continue to have this kind of time on my hands once i report to my new unit. which hopefully will be sometime SUPER slack like, err... being a clerk?=D hopefully.

have fun people! i know im having fun.=)

2009-01-25T21:13:00.002+08:00

the taste of civilian life after that 17 day deprivation is just intoxicating. from the very moment i stepped back onto mainland singapore i felt a surge of huge relief and joy. i have never been happier to be 'back' in singapore i tell you.

PHEW.

that place can be quite a hell. but the people there are reasonably nice and fun. people meaning my fellow 'captives'. cant say the same for all of our 'captors'. tsktsk. but oh well. at least im having fun while im out here and free! i have watched 2 movies already, ink heart and red cliff 2! the latter being much more enjoyable than the first. somehow i have a thing for chinese war movies. i think its more for their display of martial arts lah. im always very impressed by it.=) i feel so content to have watched a good movie again after so long. and im going to watch another one tmr! YAY.

so yeah, you wld be able to tell that my money is just gushing down the drain like theres no tomorrow. i am soon going to burn my pants away. not just a hole in my pocket. oh well. i shall just decieve myself: its my first book out, i have every obligation to indulge in pricy things! hahahaha. just like the meals i had yesterday. fooyo! i should never be allowed access to large sums of money. how ironic it is that i was the class treasurer. tsktsk. i guess i just like the feeling of handling money. collecting money never fails to thrill me. giving out money lagi best. you feel so powerful when people ask you for money and you have the capacity to provide them with cash.=D sounds quite perverse eh. hahaha. what to do? such is society. sigh. i should probably just stick to handling other people's money lah. if i ever feel the need to handle money that is. lol.

and oh yes! one more thing ive been doing is catching up on the Australian Open! whoopee! tennis wtf! but im so devestated that JJ is out. cant believe it! didnt manage to catch that match today and im not planning on catching the replay. it wld probably just make my heart sink even further. booooooo. i pray nadal doesnt pull off smth like that too!=/

2009-01-07T01:11:00.002+08:00

HOKAY. ns has called and i will be gone! grah. confinement sucks. im not looking foward to it. booo. i want to be free. i want to have fun. i want to get into med school! hahahaha. random.

it is late and i need to sleep.

goodbye world!

see you when i see you.=)
(cant wait for that to happen.)

2009-01-05T21:58:00.002+08:00

hello. i watched seven pounds this afternoon with matt after we watched the trailer online which seemed to support wanting's and karen's claim that it was a really good movie. and yeah, it did turn out to be a rather nice movie. although i feel it could have been a lot better if they played out the plot abitttttt more. all in all, it did provoke some thoughts in me, though not all might be entirely related to the movie. lol. and it made me realise some things. like how i wld like to lead my life! how i wld really like it to be an adventure. that was sorta my new year resolution: i want to be more daring. i want to try stuff ive never tried and i want to witness things ive never bothered to. i really want to just see all the wonderful things our planet has to offer. natural and not so natural. i want to be awed.=) i've never had such desire to travel before. i guess i always felt so comfortable with what i know that i didnt really care to explore. but suddenly i just feel like doing something less boring. hahahaha. i wanna do crazy stuff. i dont want to lead a stagnant lifestyle. just thinking abt it is making me all excited. now i just need to find someone who wants to do all these crazy stuff with me. anyone?=D

and yes, letting out all the angst yesterday has made me become more determined to change the way i view life. i am striving to be a completely different person. andddd hopefully it will work. hahahaha. but right now i am rather optimistic.=)

2009-01-04T02:20:00.003+08:00

hello people.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!=)

i know the new year passed quite a long time ago, but i really hadnt had the time to blog since then so yeah, this will have to do. hahahaha. and i just had to have a 'new year' post because it seems like one of the mandatory posts every blog should have. hahahaha.

i must say that i did have a rather enjoyable countdown at the esplanade outdoor theatre, watching the fireworks and mathilda and the motherfunkies perform. i have to say that she is just AWESOME. like totally. the motherfunkies too. they are all really so very talented. much to envy. hahahaha. the next few days were fun i guess. i hung out with people. highlight wld be of course hanging out with wanting.=) coz i didnt see her for the longest time. and she left today. again. for what might be an extremely long time. i miss you already wanting.=( so much so that im actually tearing. booo. come back soon please.

okay i cant lie anymore. i really thought that the past few days of my new year was fun. honestly. from the bottom of my heart i was very happy with the way i spent my time. happy until abt half an hour ago that is. i think i wasted my time. i probably dont mean just the past few days. more like the whole of 2008. and why, you may ask, did i suddenly have a change of heart? why was i happy a moment ago and then miserable? and this is literal. seriously. just a while ago, i watched one the most amazing tennis ive ever seen. and that made me as happy as i could be. but then i read some blogs. blogs belonging to my friends. and now i am just a FREAKING miserable wreck. reading all those recounts about the past year, or about their new year resolutions made me think so much. think so much about my own year 2008. and it really seemed like it sucked! gosh. and i dont even know why!!! i love my school. i love my friends. i love so many things abt last year. but when i compare my year, to the year some other people had, it suddenly just stinks. i dont think i grew at all. i dont think i really challenged myself that much at all. or did i? do i just not remember it then? it seemed like one of the hardest years of my life. but somehow, i really dont remember what i learned from it, what i gained from it. i feel like the same person now and back at the start of 2008. am i really? i dont know. this is just SO FRUSTRATING.

and its so irritating to know that i cant stop living my life as a race. the whole previous paragraph was the perfect example. i cant not compare myself with others. i cant not think abt what other people think. i cant seem to just live life the way i want to. its never enough. i need other people to be impressed. i need other people to care. i need to do better than OTHER PEOPLE. i can never be satisfied with what i have. i want it all. i want everything. i feel like a fool for feeling this way. but somehow i cant.stop.it. I HATE IT. i dont want to live this way anymore. i dont want to be so concerned abt other people's lives for all the wrong reasons. nonono. this is not the kind of person i want to be. but its the only person ive ever been! i am quite miserable now. i feel like my entire life has been a waste. ive been going through life with no real direction. i so want to turn everything around.

there are so many things that i felt irritated abt while reading the blogs, that i dont even know what it is now that i am truly upset abt. is it you? you who makes me so happy sometimes, but at the very next moment can make me feel soooooo dejected. the best part is you dont even know what you're doing. you have absolutely no clue that you are affecting my life in such a HUGE way. -.- i hate you for that. or is it the idea that some people experienced a near perfect year gone by? they seem to have grown so much, learned so much and experienced a helluva lot of things that made them wiser and a lot more in touch with themselves and their direction in life. they probably had a million setbacks and a ton of low points much worse than i anything i have ever gone thru. but do i see that? no. im blind to all of that crap. so what if your year wasnt as perfect as it seems. i dont really care. you gained more. thats all that matters. you are the enemy. the rival. the person i need to beat. what else could there have been to get me so agitated? oh yes. best friends. a term i loathe so much. because it sounds so juvenile. too 'primary school' for my liking. but its the only term that strikes a chord with everyone. it represents the ideal the friend. and that right now, is just a distant dream to me. so yes, it irks me to know that there are people out there having such intimate relationships. it is just not fair.

im sorry that this post is so self-indulgent, so angsty, so bitchy even. its probably not a very nice read. but this is the most personal i have ever been. i dont do this kind of thing. i dont like to. im a reserved person. and from what you read above, you could probably tell that im a selfish person. a narrow-minded person. all i seem to care abt is what people percieve abt me. but i am so ready for all of this to end. so i have just one new year wish. i wish that i will freaking grow up.

i feel so alone right now. i need someone to love me. i need someone to be my friend. best friend. someone i can open up to. someone i could cry to without feeling ashamed. literally. someone i could tell everything to without fear of being judged. i need someone to understand me, to know me. and i need someone to teach me. tell me how to go about getting my life on the right track. coz i have no freaking idea. i need help. badly.

2008-12-27T00:58:00.002+08:00

WOOHOOO! from having nothing much to do the previous week, my life has completely turned arnd. i see my schedule filling up before my eyes, making my heart beat faster, my hands tremble, my lips curl into a smile! it is so exciting and exhilarating to be busy! i love having many many many things to do. okay correction, i love having too many FUN things to do. bcoz i rmb clearly how having too many tsd things to do wasnt exactly the most exciting period of my life. oh well. BUT MANY THINGS TRUMPS NO THINGS.=D

the past few days have been quite interesting. firstly, i got a job at the Megatex IT fair as a mac promoter. not too bad i must say. worked only for 4 days. i learned a hell lot abt macs and now i really, really, REALLY want one.=( oh wells. in time, in time. and also, i learnt certain traits abt certain nationalities that i wld rather not have learned.......... hmmm.... urgh. but overall quite an interesting experience.=) met alot of interesting customers and colleagues alike. discovered some things abt promoting. like how tiring it is. -.- i backspaced quite a few times here coz i was thinking of smth good that i discovered abt it, but i realised the tiring bit just trumps everything else. hahahaha. yeap. it was just plain tiring. tsktsk.

after work on the 24th i had to rush down to meet karen and eirene to go for her church's MIMBY thing. it was actually quite good.=) and yeah, met some new ppl there as well. did some decent socialising. hahahaha. the music was really not bad. and the food was quite funny, what with the influx of sasuages at our table and the tiny slice of 4 cheese pizza which we were conned by an ill-informed girl, into thinking that it was 4 slices of cheese pizza. HAHA. and i got some candle wax into my mouth which was rather gross. but hey, it was a new experience! i feel like a part of me has grown since then. i am now one step closer to taking the world by storm! hahahahah. i know now what candle wax tastes like and the strange sensation of it hardening on your tongue. hmmmm... exciting..... so yeah, it was the decent christmas countdown party this year again, quite like last year's which i spent with extended family in Canada, which was a first. actually i havent had a 'non-decent' christmas countdown. like spending it in a club or smth. hahaha. sounds kinda absurd but fun at the same time. lol.

christmas day was spent slacking at work trying to clear stock and den heading down to meet joel for clubbing, but after finding out the club we wanted to go to was closed we decided to head down to the 'dunman bash'. hahaha. hung out with karen, pras and raj there for most of it. decent company always makes for good fun.=) and i met up with some old friends too. so yeah, it was kinda cool.=)

and then boxing was spent sleeping in till lateeeee! before heading down to meet some scrabblers to prepare for our kids christmas party! woohoo! i had fun doing so painting and what not. handicraft seems to have a special place in my heart. i always enjoy it thoroughly.=) although if the paint was a little better and the brushes a little finer it wld have been much easier and more fun. hahahaha. but making stuff is always good. heeee.=D and its for a good cause! even better.

that sums it all up briefly enough i hope. the next few days are going to be pretty busy themselves with alot of parties to attend! whoopee! i am a happy boy.=D

2008-12-22T23:36:00.002+08:00

actually blog-reading does invoke alot of 'deep thinking' in me. not those posts that merely describe events or the day's happenings, but more of those that describe more... personal thoughts. struggles desires failures fears aspirations enlightenment gratitude frustation loss. genuine emotions. human emotions.

and its quite strange. coz sometimes i feel kinda melancholy(emo) when i read abt another person's success. or abt them realising a dream, and how they're so happy and excited and thankful. i actually feel quite miserable sometimes. hahahaha. its not like i want that particular person to have a shitty life, or that i enjoy seeing him/her fail and suffer. its nothing like that really. its more like, i cant understand how to feel happy for that person when i dont really know what its like to achieve such success. there's only so much joy i can feel for you when im too overwhelmed by jealousy. i want to be in your shoes, i want to know whats its like. i guess deep down, all us human beings are the same. we all yearn for the same things. like love. or friends we can be sure ARE forever. or direction in life. well at least most of us do. i know i do. so when i read abt another person's struggles of finding himself, it reminds me of how i have yet to find myself either. or when i read abt someone feeling so strong abt a particular cause, it makes me think abt how much i lack an identity. but it always hits the hardest when i find out that someone succeeds in attaining the things that i too yearn to have. why them and not me.

but of course im not always so emo lah. i do know how to be proud and happy for others. when you know how much a person wants something, and how he/she put so much effort into getting it, its hard not to feel an overwhelming sense of joy when they finally actually get it. hahaha. i guess its always best to be sincere abt anything you do. sincerity can really be felt. and it really does move people.=) but i guess it isnt that hard to fake it.=/ since so many people can get conned into a huge variety of things. hahahaha.

2008-12-19T01:56:00.002+08:00

GRAH. this is not happening! why are my days so freaking aimless! it seems like everyone has smth to do, some gathering to attend, some job to do, while i am here, lying on my bed thinking abt what i can do tmr and who i can go out with! NONONO. not right, not right at all. there are only few ppl i feel comfortable calling out for last minute outings thus making things alot more difficult when you dont have your week planned out MONTHS AGO. -.- why must having fun involve such preparation and effort. tsktsk. i guess i should start planning my outings proper now that friends are flying away. D= leaving me behind to fend for myself. boohoo.

and its going to be christmas in a matter of days! that is like OH MY HOOCHIE MAMA FAST. the month is gonna come to an end soon! and a new year is going to start? ohmy. that is still too strange a concept for me to grasp at this point of time. hmmmm... somehow, i feel reluctant to leave this year behind. maybe there are just too many things i want to do before its over. and maybe i just dont want this holiday to be over. ever. =( coz alot of wonderful things have happened in this fairly short period of time. grah. this is making me think of the school year all over again, and as a result, starting to make me feel abit emo again. =(

i miss vjc.

2008-12-17T01:07:00.002+08:00

i am confused.

i dont know what to do, what to say, how to act.

i cant read minds.

although i think i can kinda figure out what to expect. and i dont like what i think.

but i doubt it wld be any other way. its just not possible.

its foolish of me. but some things, i just cant control.

i long for smth i know i cannot ever have.

but i am not superhuman.

yes, there are some things i just cant control.

2008-12-16T01:00:00.002+08:00

i just survived one of the worst stomach cramps i've ever gotten. not sure if they're stomach cramps though. more like INTESTINAL cramps, considering the area afflicted. it felt as though there were a million claws digging into my intestines, while at the same time wringing them and stretching them and desperately trying to detach them from my bod-ay. it was AWFUL. thank god it only lasted for about an hour or so, and was only serious for about half the time. any longer and wld have been very, VERY, vocal(somewhat similar to when i was playing tennis this afternoon) about the pain, screaming and probably crying. i couldnt think abt anything else but the pain for the entire bus ride home from matt's. i think it was the soybean milk that caused me such turmoil! or maybe a mixture of the milk and the horfun. tsktsk. horrigible.

but now that thats over and done with, i must thank matt for welcoming us to his humble abode!(im not sure if im using the right term here, but heck, sounds right) i had a marvelous day with majoirty of the scrabblers.=D awesome possum fun! too bad we cant hang out like that anytime soon. with people going overseas or currently already overseas. booo. but it was a good day. well spent with great company.=) not to mention i had a go at tennis! like FINALLY! thank you meiching for the tips, they were indeed very helpful.=) it was as much fun as i imagined it to be. i could play for hours! and i want to! exciting stuff.=)

in other news, i really have no clue what to do abt my current financial crisis. its really bad. i know im halfway thru the month already, and plan 'engage in inexpensive activities' has been rather succesful the past few days, but i fear its not going to work for longgggg.....=/ this is worrying. and very sad.

i need a lifeline.

and distraction. coz i dont want to end up a freaking fool.

2008-12-15T01:01:00.003+08:00

Bizarro is officially my FAVOURITEST comic strip. [(or whatever name it is you give those comics you find in your newspaper.) (there is a term for it, but i just cant seem to rmb it!) (was it like... err... okay forget it, i have no clue.)]

anyways, i cant find the particular one that i was talking abt in my previous post, so here's a sub. i had a hard time deciding which one to choose though! coz there are just toooooo many brilliant ones. so here's one of them.

ahhhhhh. Piraro is such a GENIUS. i am such a fan. i want his comics in huge posters or in small cards. i want a book of it. i want them in slates so i can hang them up in my room like Matt's tintins. they make me smile. they make laugh. they dont make me cry. they just stun me. i am so amazed at his wit and satire. and just look at it! the aesthetics are just brilliant! i love everything abt them. even the font! it all adds up perfectly.=) Piraro is my new hero......*sparkling eyes*

buy me his merchandise and i will love you forever. and ever and ever. i might even give you a kiss. or sell you my body to re-pay your genorisity.

2008-12-13T01:56:00.002+08:00

HELLO.

i need to say that i have been very happy the past few days. because cycling makes me very happy.=D and learning to play the guitar also makes me very very happy.=D=D

so i have to thank 2 very special people - SHIANG NEE & MATT HO!
=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D
they have made my life very pleasent the past few days. i absolutely loooooove that piece of scrap metal nee sold me. although my ass is still very sore from that ugly, and very hard seat, i feel an overwhelming sense of JOY everytime i approach it at the void deck.=) and its absolutely orgasmic when i sit on it! and i feel oh-so-sexy when riding it.=P i think i should give it a name! hahahahha. okay im sure this is all getting abit bizzarre. i shall stop it. i am not crazy over an inanimate object. or maybe i am.

(the word bizzarre reminds me of that particular Bizzarro comic matt showed me at the scrabble board. which was just hilarious beyong belief. i shall try to find it and post it up next time.=D)

And that piece of useless wood that has been collecting dust in my room for DECADES is no long useless! thanks to matt. i now can make MUSIC out of that junk my cousin dumped with us when he left our humble nation for the outback. okay okay, not music per se, sound similar to that of music lah. but i am still very pleased.=)

in other news, my fishtank is no longer a wasteland. the living now outnumber the dead. oh but it doesnt mean the dead are still in the tank. hahahaha

2008-12-10T01:33:00.002+08:00

and so, as i was munching on my double cheeseburger(without pickles) and gulping down mini pearls with peach red tea from sweet talk while sitting at some random void deck where my bike(nee's ex-bike) was parked, staring into the carpark of a random HDB estate, i began to contemplate life. *GASP* my life. my... im not so sure what to descirbe it as, life.

strange. i guess there is some truth to all that load of waiting for godot nonsense i plouged through. give a man time and nothing to do, he begins to ponder about LIFE. and all its horrors. interesting. although i did ponder about all the wonders of my life so far, alongside all the trash. hahahaha. i must say i truly am a happy person. *big smile* i am content with the friends i have. okay, more than content i must admit. i feel absolutely GRATEFUL that ive made such great companions.=) companions that will hopefully last me a lifetime. but i say with much regret and despair, that i have hardly progressed in my pursuit of finding myself. yes it does seem to some that i have direction in my life. it seems as though ive got my future more or less planned out already. go study medicine. tada! become a doctor. tada! well i know for sure thats what i really want. i know for sure its smth that can and will sustain my interest for years to come. and im confident that i will lead a very fulfilling life in the field of medicine. but there is still this other side of me that keeps on whispering in my head when im distracted from this plan ive laid out. what if i dont do medicine it says. i dont want the commitment or the studying. i want to do smth fun, radical, unique, exciting, care-free. and thats where predicament comes in. i want abit of everything. i want to BE everything. i dont want to lose out on anything. i dont want to make any sacrifices. i just want it all. as much as i know that such a desire is pointless and unrealistic, i cant shut it out. i havent learnt to. and i dont know when i will. slowly, i have been forcing myself to. it has in fact, taken alot of effort on my part just to latch on to this childhood dream of becoming a surgeon, no matter how much it has strengthened over the years.

i just feel like, im nothing really. im just a mish-mash of a whole lot of nonsense. just like my heritage. HAHA. im chinese but i dont really practice anything chinese. im abit of indian, but i know nuts abt their culture. i come from a muslim family but... yeah... those who know, know. hahahaha. likewise, i wld enjoy a wild night out clubbing as much as i wld enjoy frolicking in the botanical gardens. in the same sense, i know abit of this abit of that, like abit of piano, abit of violin, but im truly a master of nothing. hmmmm.. maybe that and everything else can be attributed to the fact that im scared to step out of my comfort zone. i actually enjoy being a brilliant beginner. thats what ive been most of my life. and all that ive really been actually. i guess i enjoy it when people are impressed by my ability to pick up new skills. so much so that i fear trying to pursue it, in avoidance of the unfortunate reality that in the end, i wldnt amount to nothing spectacular at all, and everyone, would just. fall. silent. i never dared sustain anything long enough to make me seem like a failure.=/

so right now, i still dont know what i truly am all about. i dont know what kind of person i am! what exactly are my interests or what kind of personality do i possess. its all just very hazy and im quite irritated at that. i want to know. and i want to know SOON. its freaking annoying. and i feel old. much to old to still be figuring out myself. i am starting to see a semblence of the real me, but its still far too vague. i dont even have the slightest idea about what kind of person people might label me as! this is worrying. very worrying. i need to embark on some soul-searching soooooooooon. hmm.

oh well. all that angst aside, i had a lot of fun today. '2A'(class of 4) gathering and then random trip to matt's house and then some late night cycling.=D interesting day. hahaha

2008-12-08T13:32:00.002+08:00

ahhh. how i hate staying home the entire day. okay, i know thats not exactly a nice thing to say, but i dont not like staying because of my family or whatever, but i just get this overwhelming feeling of MISSING OUT. i feel like im missing out on the all the fun activites my friends may be partaking in in this very minute! while im stuck at home. doing nothing.=( bored bored bored and sad sad sad. tsktsk.

i have succesfully managed to more or less fill up my daily schedule ever since the As ended, but today i have no choice. coz its hari raya. hahaha... im sorry for my lack of faith. urgh. it should be a very happy occasion for me. but err. im really just kinda bored. lol. the turn up for visiting isnt that great on hari raya haji. and theres no hype abt the outfits during this one. or the 'ang-paos'. so... yeah. its the same everytime. just slack at home upstairs in my room. try to find something to do. greet people when they come and then retreat back into my own shell. sigh. maybe i should use this free time to clear out my notes and other nonsense. hmmm... that sounds like a plan. how exciting.

oh well at least yesterday night i got the chance to indulge in some KTV. HAHA. and hear my miserable voice booming in the room. quite fun. hahahaha=D and yay, i have some plans for tomorrow. now thats a start. lol. im starting to miss my friends again. i wanna chill with some people. correction: i NEED to chill with some people. save me please.

2008-12-04T14:15:00.002+08:00

okay. i shall now begin the obligatory penning down of emotions after attending prom.

first of all, i must say i had an AMAAAAAAAAZING time!!!!!=D from the prep for prom all the way till post-prom! ahhh. such a wonderful night. though most of it was just spent like taking photos and eating nonsense food. it was an enjoyable experience nonetheless because of the amazing people there.=) the S34 hotel room was a disaster though. HAHA. toilet was a swamp. gross-ness. but i didnt really sleep there though. only like a few hours or so. coz my night(or rather morning) was spent sitting around outside the Cathay eating chips, listening to music and doing other random nonsense stuff with 3 other lameshits. hahahaha. but it was FUN.=D although we were like half dead the entire time, especially by the time we trudged down to funan for breakfast, it was a night to remember.=)

but with the conclusion of prom, i feel abit sad actually now that ive had the time to think abt it. that night would probably be the last time i would get to see most my vjc mates.(apart from of course, next year's results day. -.-) and it would also have been our last official vj event as a cohort.=/ im glad my 2-year stay ended on a high, but it just makes me miss it all the more. sigh. i wish there were more such proms to look foward to.

i guess i'll just have to thank a few groups of people who made my stay in VJC the best days of my life to date.

07S34
my TSD mates
and the Scrabblers.
=)

i cant imagine going to school without any of you guys there. you guys rock my socks. im gonna miss you all. but im sure i'll see all of you sometime soon.=)

tata~!

2008-11-29T01:06:00.002+08:00

HOLA!!!

i havent blogged in the longest time although ive had so much time to the past few days. hahahaha. i know this is like soooo late and really anti-climatic, but the A levels are over!!=D they were officially over for me like about 3-4 days ago lah.

AND I'VE BEEN HAVING SOOOOO MUCH FUN SINCE!!!!

ive never had this much time on my hands to just burn doing nothing. like walking arnd town or wherever. but shopping for prom is rather stressful i must say. tsktsk... if only it were that easy to find a funky prom outfit to fall in love with. which also no else would have. and also would have at least substantial 'head-turning' value. yet at the same time not be too over the top. or too blah. or too last season. or whatever lah. i bought a jacket already lah. i shouldnt be wasting time stating down the criterion for the perfect prom outfit. -.- lame. oh well. i think its rather nice.=) i just have a few other components to the outfit that i have yet to buy though! ARGH. so annoying. but i believe the night out is going to be awesome.=D spent with some awesome possum friends! yippeee!

and i am no longer a club virgin! HAHA. it was an exciting and thrilling experience. hahahaha. not to mention a helluva lot of FUN!=D but a bit pricy lah. why cant there be like Men's night. tsktsk. the world is unfair. i have to pay while ladies get in for free. even if they hardly resemble the femenine gender but instead look more closely related to fishballs or any other spherical objects(globes, moons, hot-air balloons, planets, etc.), they still are let in free. over me. seriously? but okay lah. i shall quit whining. the experience was worth the cash. hahahaha.=D

but right now, i kinda need to get a job maybe. although i am kinda lazy. and i kinda wld rather spend my time chilling with my friends. i am kinda starting to get broke. and i kinda needa find a means to provide substinence for....... CHARITY! yes. that is why i want the money. to donate. to help make this world a better place. *twinkling eyes* so please, aid me in my cause. help me find a job or just feed me money. it wld be as good as doing charity work youself! without all the hassle and doubts abt how much of your money is really going to the needy. perfect.=)

in other news. i think i need to change my blog skin. its getting rather annoying with the tagboard on a different page and yada yada. sometimes i forget it exists. so i dont check and i dont respond. lol. but... maybe i wont change the skin. im too lazy to look for another one. lol.... oh well. just have to live with this one for now i suppose. hahaha

2008-11-21T00:30:00.002+08:00

and so, as the 20th day of november 2008 passes me by, so does my only day of self-decieved freedom before the morning of the 24th. but it was a day well spent. i am very pleased.=) well i could have ended today, and finally be freed from the chains of my books, but nooooo, i chose to 'challenge' myself with a H3 subject. for which if i do not get at least a merit, would be a complete waste of time. and an embarrassment at that too. tsktsk. i had better get myself together for these last few daysssss..........

but today was seriously awesome. it was so much FUN! like practically a whole day's worth. thats something i hadnt experienced in quite some time. but i will be able to again soon. yesa. the end is near. but sadly, the end of the scrabble board study gang has already arrived. boohoohoo. the place is gonna feel so empty and sad tmr. but im sure the scrabble board gang has yet to be disbanded! we just wont be studying anymore when we next hang out. oooooo.... exciting prospects...=D hahahahaha CANT WAIT! and there are so many other people to go out with, so many things to do, so much fun to have! i am pumping and rearing to go! (about 3 whole days before i actually can. useless. -.-) hahahaha

in other news, cards are the bestest most hear-warming things you could ever recieve. a sincere card means the MOST to me. it is the best present on any occasion. seriously. they stay with you for life. and it doesnt hurt to know that there are people out there who care, who are worth knowing, and whom you know you can find a friend in.=)=)=) so with this, i'd just like to thank anyone who has ever put in their heart into a card you once wrote for me. no matter how long ago, no matter how shoddy it looks or how little time it took you to make it. i thank you. coz whenever i read thru that stash of cards and letters, my heart smiles. so does my face lah. hahaha.. i hope you feel the same when you read a card i wrote for you(whoever you are).=) i'd just like to specially thank the last person who wrote one for me - matthias ho. it was your card that inspired this chummy nonsense. hahahaha. but yeah, thank you.=)

its the little things that sometimes matter the most.

2008-11-15T01:53:00.002+08:00

its amazing how something as juvenille as High School Musical 3 actually set me pondering about my FUTURE. and about my WHOLE life to certain extent! D= omgz lah. high school musical provoked some soul-searching. serisously. its beyond me.

but my friend was absolutely right when he told me that i should watch it coz it was relevant to me since im graduating. to think that i laughed it off at that point of time, telling myself 'no, breaking out into cheesy songs in the cafeteria is soooo NOT relevant to me.'. and now im sitting here, contemplating about my university choices. i am bemused. but for a moment during the movie, i felt a strange bond with Troy Bolton. i felt such empathy for him. it was almost as if i was there on that stage singing my heart out about NUS and medical school with basketballs raining down around me. i felt like I was the Troy Bolton of vjc. and that i could sing and dance in a musical and play basketball really well too. not only that, i could sing and dance WHILE playing basketball. being exceptional at both. wow. (its no wonder small kids get brainwashed by such movies. tsktsk.)

but yes, on a more serious note now. to be honest, my sudden desire to figure out my life is not entirely attributed to the fact that i watched HSM3. (i was in fact cringing in my seat most of the movie, when they up-ed the cheese factor just a tad bit too much) its been going on the past week or so already actually. and its really quite scary.... i dont know why i waited till now to realise that i might not actually be happy getting into NUS med. and that there are a million other brilliant universities out there in the UK and what not that can offer such wonderul experiences. why oh why. i have no idea what i want or where i want to go now. was the only reason why i wanted to get into NUS med so badly the fact that i could defer my ns? plus the fear of leaving my friends back home and like starting a new in a foreign land. but suddenly it doesnt seem so scary anymore. suddenly i have this burning desire to be part of something bigger and better than NUS. but when i think about it yet again, is it really wise to want to study overseas because it sounds more prestigious? or just because it might be cool to attend lectures by 'ang moh' doctors instead of China ones? GRAH. i really dont know anymore. i thought i had all in the bag. i thought i had my future all planned out for me already. but the closer i get to the next part of my life the more confused i am. i cant say that i want to get into nus med with such confidence anymore. i dont know if im making the right decisions for the right reasons. its such a lousy feeling. sigh.

on the other hand, i might not have the liberty to choose in the future anyways. so i dont know. i guess i'll just wait and see. and keep my options open at the moment? hmmmm..

2008-11-08T23:59:00.002+08:00

hello hello hello.

just like that, the first week of the As have whizzed past. actually it didnt really feel like it 'whizzed' for me. it actually felt like quite a drag. but oh wadeva, its OVER. cant say i feel very confident in my performance, but what to do. tsktsk. and with the weeks closure, i feel as though the entire A leves has already ended. ive been lazying around the whole of yesterday after math and today, err, only started work late in the afternoon. and i mean LATE. and now, im sitting in front of the tv yet again, watching tennis! oh well. its sunday tmr. wont do any harm to sleep abit later tonight. hahahaha.

watching tennis is such a joy. and tennis commentators can be sooooooo hilarious sometimes. with their dry humour. lol. i cant wait to get my hands on a raquet and give it go! seems like a lot of funnnnnn. ahhhh.. so many things to do after As but so little time! urgh. oh wells. i have to through it first though.

so its back to the scrabble board tommorow! that place is like my second home.(warm smile) awwww...

2008-11-01T01:02:00.002+08:00

i am sad.

not because i think im going to suck at the As, but sad because nadal had to retire from his match.

devastating news. =((((((((

GRAH. you had better be the year end champion! GOGOGO!

2008-10-31T01:01:00.003+08:00

WHOOPEE!
avenue Q is not bad i must say. not bad at all. although it was not AS funny as i expected it to be. like i wasnt laughing my head off every single minute of it(as i was hoping to), but funny enough i suppose. some jokes were very clever indeed. i would really like to share them, but i shall not spoil the fun for anyone's who's going to watch and happens to be reading my blog. the probability of which should be quite close to zero actually... considering the number of people who believe that i actually update blogs. hmmmm.

back to ave. Q, the singing was AWESOME. although the guy's fillipino accent kept creeping in here and there. oh wait, most of the time actually. hahahaha. but thats not such big a deal. if you say big a deal fast enough, it sounds like begedal(if thats how you spell it - the potato thingy) bigadeal. bigadeal. begedal.

okay not funnyyyyyyy.

the night out just made me want the A lvls to end sooner. how contradictory to my previous post t'isnt it? but ah... thats just the way life is. =] hahahaha. oh well. its time to get back to the books after today's wasted day spent visiting both my doctor and my dentist(both of whom are very amusing men). not to mention OVERSLEEPING. -.- tsktsk.

LETS GO VJ LETS GO! *piakpiakpiak*

in other news: *RAFA~RAFA~RAFA~* win the bloody paribas masters pleaseeeeee.

2008-10-28T02:14:00.002+08:00

it's not the first time this past few weeks that i heard about a friend breaking down under the stress of the coming A's. and everytime it happened before i would tell myself: 'yeah, its not suprising that these people are stressed out beyond their wits. the A's are after all, what the past 2 years of our lives have been all about, the very reason why we are in this school doing what we're doing. and there's really no point in taking it, and sucking at it.' so yeah, i totally get why its such a big deal. im freaking stressed myself.

But today, when i heard about another friend crumbling under the pressure, i found the news quite unsettling. don't ask me why but i actually found it a bit strange that my friend was so stressed. hahahahaha. after feeling quite amused at myself, i realised that its probably because the past 2 years of my life in VJ didnt exactly feel like it was building up to this humongous battle. i was having toooooo much fun.=) school was something i actually enjoyed, and loved so dearly. and suddenly, i dont really want the A lvls to come anymore. because once its over, theres no more school.(duh!) but the more i think of it now, the more it pains me. There are just too many awesome memories of my life in VJ that i really dont want to leave behind. and im so glad i switched from studying at random places to studying in school. bcoz of that, the memories of school are still being made, and very wonderful ones at that! hahaha...

sigh. but since i cant do anything about it anyway, i'll just have to say

I LOVE YOU VJC.

you're the best thing that has happened to my life so far. i have never once doubted my choice of coming to VJ, and i never will. its just not possible after all that ive been through. it has been the most amazing 2 years of my life. and the idea of leaving the school SUCKS so badly. so so VERY badly.=(

i'll miss you, all my VJ peeps. what would my life have been if i hadnt met you guys.
(a very sad and depressing one obviously)

2008-10-27T00:46:00.002+08:00

i guess if it was that easy to find love, it wouldn't feel as great as it does.

okayyy..... why am i musing over issues like this at a time like this. i should instead be musing over what reagents are required for like, err... i cant think of the most annoying reaction now. okay whatever. hahahha. ahh. a week left. and do i feel sooo unprepared! tsktsk. whywhywhy cant it be like the O's. although i was freaking scared at that point of time too, at least i could see that i was progressing steadily everyday! right now... its all just a blurr. oh well.

one week to work a miracle!

2008-10-25T00:49:00.002+08:00

hmmmm.... what do you do when a little bit of self-relection reveals to you that you're not exactly as good a person as you thought you were. its a shitty feeling. and the thing is, i really dont know how to change. in fact, i dont think its possible for me to accomplish that on my own accord. i need to experience something. something major, something scary, something hurtful, something that would just change the way i view things. change the way i've been feeling all my life.

i pray it happens soon, coz i really dont want to live like this anymore.

2008-10-24T01:11:00.002+08:00

hmmm.... yet another hope dashed. oh well. cant say im very suprised it happened though. i knew it cldnt be perfect from the start the way things were. but i guess i just hoped that by some crazy miracle, i would have ended up at a destination so far off from the path ive been led down. TSKTSK.

on another note, I am totally not an existentialist. the world is a beautful place and life is wonderful.

=D

maybe its just because im an idealist. if so, thank god for that!
coz i would soooo rather be enjoying my life than like despair about the meaningless of life.

2008-10-23T03:03:00.000+08:00

This is insane. Please please please. I do hope something good comes out of this. lol.

2008-10-22T01:54:00.002+08:00

Hello world!

Yes its me attempting to blog yet again. What am I doing starting a blog at a time like this when it feels like the As are going to start tmr morning? I really don't know. hahahaha... just had the sudden urge to blog.=D

Maybe part of the reason why I wanted a new blog was because my violin teacher asked me one day if I had a blog because she wanted to see photos of my trip to D.C. and stuff. First thing that came to mind was my LJ's name. hmmmm. Not exactly the smartest of decisions I must say. hahahaha. But it's not as if I actually post photos(or post at all as a matter of fact) on my LJ. So I really have no clue why I bothered to do this. lol. Hopefully I'll have more success this time round.

And I know the skin looks really Secondary School and like so over-used. Not to mention it's quite difficult to navigate and what not. tsktsk. But I'm just SOOOO in LOVE with the picture. The colours are brilliant! It makes me feel so calm.=) Something I should'nt feel right now actually. I ought to be feeling ALARMED and STRESSED over how unprepared I am for the As. Urgh.

Well that concludes this post then. I ought to be in bed now. tsktsk.