It's been a long time since my head was flooded with so many thoughts that I'm left with this ache to just blog about them. Actually, no, my head was never flooded with this many different thoughts before. Not in a span of like an hour or so at least. I'm usually driven to blog because there's just an issue so huge and so heavy that I can't sleep without getting it off my chest. And because I'm not one of those who can pick up the phone and rant to a friend about it, this blog ends up being my only outlet.

But tonight I was plagued by so may thoughts. These may seem very random mind you, but they included thoughts about talent, destiny, love, autonomy (yeah, you're probably thinking like where the hell did this come from), career, religion, family. I think I might blame this on the caffeine. I only had 2 cups of tea though! Not unusual. But this uneasiness and jumpiness I'm feeling right now is so nostalgic of the time I went crazy for coffee. Lol. Which didn't end too pleasantly.... So now I'm back to not drinking coffee very much. Haha. But seriously, my thoughts just jumped from one topic to the other like and electric pulse jumping form one node of ranvier to another down an axon (ha ha ha. Can't believe I just made a geeky analogy. Gosh. Something really is wrong with me!).

Okay but yah, trust me, all those topics do have very clear bridges in my mind. Bridges you'd only understand if you knew my life inside out. Some are common to everyone, like religion and family - that's an easy one. Or at least one that probably isn't unique to me. But yeah, the brain has a funny way of reminding you of the randomest people, events, and emotions when you're watching videos of the X factor (like I was for about 2 hours tonight), or reading an article about euthanasia (again like I was a while ago). But I appreciate it. I guess. Because in some of those moments when I was pondering about life, I felt so motivated. So motivated to do something about my life. But at the same time, in some of those moments I felt like a piece of crap. Because I was reminded of my incompetence. Or I was reminded of how I haven't found answers to my questions about life. Other times I was consumed with so much jealousy. Which made me realise today, so much of the negative energy and emotion that I experience stems from envy of others. I hate to admit it but I am a jealous person. I don't just mean this in the context of love, I mean this in the context of EVERYTHING. Really. I've spent so much of my life coveting what other people have. Wishing that I could have what they have. Wishing that I could do what they do. Wishing that I had done things differently so that I could have achieved what they have achieved. I've wished for so many things that I've finally decided, TONIGHT, that if could ever, EVER, (and I do mean E.V.E.R.) have just one wish come true, it would be that I could find wisdom. Wisdom to stop thinking about what others have that I lack and to start appreciating what I have got instead. What I can do about my own life. To start making decisions and actually sticking to them because that's the only way I'm ever going to achieve anything that I desire. Soooooo SICK & TIRED of being jealous. So very very sick and tired.

*deep breath*

YEAP. That about sums it all up. This blog post kinda reflects my state of mind tonight really. Jumping all over the place, ending in ways I didn't expect it to. Lol.

Oh just to squeeze in one more tiny little lament though(=D), I appreciate sleep for its ability to cure a bad day and for its ability to de-clutter my mind, BUT, the one thing I hate about it, is that it always puts out the fire I stoke in me the night before.=(

OH WELL. What can I do.....=(
Okay I think it's really time I did something about it. Hahaha.

(by the way, as I was typing the first sentence of this post, I couldn't stop hearing Lady Gaga in my head. Lol.)

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air.

No, not becuase 'I know that I can count on you' (if you know where that's from)

And yes, sometimes I feel like saying "Lord I just don't care".

Again, not because 'you've got the love I need to see me through'.

But instead, because sometimes I just really wanna give up.

I am screwing with my life here. I thought I was making the right decisions. But when the investments don't pay off, you're just left to despair about the debt you've incurred. What am I to do about it though. I don't think my demands are absurd. I only want what everyone else wants. I may feel like shit right now, but come tomorrow I doubt anything is gonna change. It's a vicious cycle. And I'm sad to say that I probably won't stop until I get what I want, or, I end up in the dumps. tsk.

So yeah, sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air. Coz I just don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.


Urgh. Distressed over stupiak things. (and some people just have to rub it in your face. Lol. -.-)

And so, because I can't fall asleep thanks to the nap I took at like 8pm, I decided that it was an opportune time to blog. Also because certain events during the night got me thinking about some lessons I felt I learnt after being shipped to Australia 4 months ago. Lol. I only had one beer tonight and a few random sips here and there, so I think I can still make sense. Hahahaha=)

Life lesson of relevance to tonight would be: When you find something good, don't f*ing let go.

Thought of this one during the trying first few months in Sydney when I was putting myself through crap regarding building new relationships and stuff. If it so happens that you who are reading this are one of the few I whined to during that period, then yes, you know what I'm talking about.=) Hahahaha. And you can take pleasure in the fact that YOU were something good that I found, and I'm going to do my best not to let you go. Being in Australia made me realise that starting over is not easy at all. To build the level of trust that you had with old friends would probably take the same number of years it took to do that with new friends. That no 2 people are alike, and you're never ever gonna find a perfect replacement for your loved ones back home. Nothing can replicate what you shared. And so, if what you had was special to you, don't try and put it away and move on to greener pastures, but instead treasure it and work to keep it. Of course you can't hope for things to be exactly the way they were, but in no way does it mean it has to end. And in no way does it mean it still can't progress.

I'm not demeaning the new people that I've met in any way. I think I've met some really special people and I'd love to see our bonds grow stronger over the years.=) It's just that the immaturity of our relationships triggered these feelings while I was there.

How is this relevant to tonight? Well more like the past week or so. And maybe even the past 6 months. I am confused. I feel like I may have stumbled upon something good. But that's all it is. A feeling. I can't be sure. We have no history. No experience to judge on. So do I hold on to it or let it go? In a way my mind has already been made up. Which is kinda based on another lesson I've been teaching myself while in Australia - out with the old, in with the new. This may sound contradictory to the first lesson I mentioned, but I mean this in regards to like... 'new opportunities' in Singapore. And like regrets. Like I can't possibly start anything new here when I'm not gonna be here most of the time. And with regards to regrets, whatever I failed to resolve or capatalise on, I need to forget. I need to stop thinking that I can make it right because its too late. I need to stop thinking that I can come home and pick up where I left. People move on and I need to as well. I can only hold on to those that I already have and start looking forward. I really have yet to move my life over to Australia. I'm still trying to live in Singapore when it is actually rather foolish. Seeing how I'm gonna be there for a good 5 more years.=/

So yeah. Such a tricky situation this is for me. I'm still learning how to make the most of this experience. I only hope that I've learnt enough in the first 4 months there to make the next 4 a lot more fruitful.

*BIG SIGH*

Days like this when your confidence soars higher than ever and you feel up for any challenge.
Days like this when you start to believe in yourself again.
Days like this when you catch a glimpse of who you are.

Coupled with the fact that its a supposed lull period from school makes the day feel even better.=)

SUPPOSED lull because this course is just brutal. There is no break even though there may seem to be. All these farce safe houses along the way. You think you can stop and take a breather, well okay a breather, that's all you can really afford. Coz if you decide to stay the night, next thing you know the tigers are at your doorstep again. -.- SCREW YOU SCHOOL. All you've made me feel lately is overwhelmed. And underwhelmed at my own capabilities. But..... I have learnt a lot from you in the past few weeks I guess....... Like how you made me realise that how much I learn is really up to me. Hmmm....

Oh well. You still suck overall. You've turned me into a hermit.

Piece of shit!

Today I grieve deeply for some(just some, of many) of my inadequacies.=(

Firstly, I am a terrible shopper. I set out this week to find myself a nice Autumn jacket because it was getting colder and stupidly I only brought 2 very thin jackets which were of course suitable for the Singapore standard of 'a cold day', failing to see the 'DUH-ness' that a cold day in Singapore is hardly comparable to a COLD DAY in Sydney. -.- I amuse myself sometimes. By how stupid I can get. Hahahaha. So anyways, I spent the whole week walking around various shopping areas to no avail. Even worse was that I went to each shopping district I think at least twice! Only because I never bothered trying on some of the jackets I thought I liked. And even when I did, somehow they gave me the false impression that they were awesome.
Example: I tried on a jacket at King st. Thought it was awesome. Went back there the next day because I couldn't find anything at Bondi. Tried it on again. Hated it. -.-

Strange...... After taking a second look at it on me, I couldn't see how I actually liked it to begin with! Haha. And then there was the enigmatic jacket in a shop at Bondi. I thought it looked nice, but it was out of my budget so I decided not to try it. Big mistake. The image of the jacket plagued me for the rest of the day. But thankfully, the next time I saw it, it was somehow... not so alluring anymore. o.o

Is it because I'm fussy or picky or what? I have no idea. But I find it so hard to find a jacket that I love.=( In actual fact, I find it hard to find anything that I love! And my mind so easily plays tricks on me. For what reason I don't know! Because it's not like we're 2 different people! Why does it have to convince me to buy something I don't love! -.- Somehow I managed to convince myself to buy a fcuk jacket that was on sale yesterday. Almost have price. But there were so many reasons why I didn't love it. It was puffy. It had drawstrings at the bottom. o.o It was a tad bit too plain for my liking. But I still bought it anyways. It made me happy for a few hours. Until I tried it on again in my room. Next thing I know I was on the internet finding out if fcuk had a return policy. SIGH. I'm such a mess.

So today I returned the jacket. I am so blessed that the lady at the counter didn't know that sale items aren't supposed to be refunded, instead can only be exchanged or converted into a voucher. I got a refund. THANK THE HEAVENS. Not many people get a second chance at life. But I did. I was already looking at other fcuk products I could buy using the voucher, resigned to consequences of my mistake. So thank you lady, I pray you don't get into trouble for refunding me.=)

I could come up with many examples of how my mind/brain convinces me to do the lamest shit ever. Like how it convinced me that I don't need to bring my shades out even though it was sunny as hell, because people might think I'm like a poseur or something, wearing shades in autumn. WTF. I spent half the bus ride cursing myself and the other half trying to understand how something like that could have happened.

I did manage to come up with a possible reason why I do the stupid things I do. At least for some of them. Sometimes I'm so afraid of people judging me, only because I judge others. So I know that there are people out there judging. And no matter how many times I reach an epiphany on how it doesn't matter what people think coz I am beautiful in every single way, I still fall into the trap of... I don't know what this trap is called and I'm too lazy to think. Lol. It's not peer pressure. Societal pressures? Wannabe-cool syndrome? Whatever. I used to think I was above that. I guess I hardly am. My mind is still as impressionable as ever. The only thing that has changed are the things that impress me.

Being yourself is so hard.

And it is so easy to lose yourself amongst everyone else's views. Too easy sometimes.=/

Get your act together.
Get your act together.
Get your act together.

If I tell myself this enough times I pray it might just come true.

Sigh.

No more getting in over your head. If you want something, stop and think about it proper for once. Fleeting thoughts ain't gonna get you anywhere.

So get your act together already.

So for a very long time tonight I was thinking that tonight would be a great opportunity to blog. It's Friday and I don't feel like doing work. And I felt like I owe it to whoever reads my blog to update it already. But I was struggling with the idea of blogging coz I couldn't think of anything that I really wanted to blog about. And blogging for the sake of blogging really doesn't do anything for me. So yeah, I'm just gonna pen down some thoughts on why my night tonight has been really shitty.

After really awesome Thai food we went to the beach. I've really really really wanted to visit the beach at night ever since I went there in the day. I love beaches at night. Maybe coz they're just so romantic. But also because I always see them as awesome places to have really awesome conversations with friends. So I took a stroll up to the cliff to see if it was really everything that I imagined it to be. To tell you the truth, I was a bit underwhelmed. Maybe coz I was more concerned about being there alone so I didn't sit down and try to soak in the environment. Maybe coz there weren't any lights on the sea surface like back home. But I don't really think that's a big issue. In fact, I'd like very much to go back there at night again. But the whole time at the beach alone, I really just wanted to ship my friends over from Singapore. One at a time every night, so we could lie on the beach, stare at the stars, and talk about our lives. Talk about our most private thoughts. I'd like that very much please.

Because I feel so alone here sometimes. Fucking alone.

Sorry, forgive me. I don't usually swear. I think this is the Grey's Anatomy talking. Watching it always leaves my mind messed up. But this is just how I feel now. Right now. At this very moment. I want to go up to my old friends, friends that I hold dear, and tell them to their face how much I love them and how much they truly mean to me. That's something I've never had the courage to do, but I'm ready now. Because being in a different country really makes a whole lot of difference.

wow. have I ever missed home this much since coming here? No freaking way. What's up with tonight. I don't understand. It's like a hidden reservoir of emotion locked up somewhere deep in my head was suddenly released. Well I'm glad it found its way out. Possible trigger was probably the thought about whether my friends would actually want to lie beside me on the beach and share their inner-most thoughts with me. Thoughts on how deep our friendship really goes. Thoughts on how much time I wasted not trying hard enough to connect with them when I had the chance to. I was scared I was scared I was scared. What exactly it is that I was afraid of I don't have a clue. Afraid things would end up awkward? Afraid that my feelings aren't reciprocated? Afraid of what I don't freaking know.

Phew. Okay, that was relieving.

Maybe my sub-conscious had something to do with my decision to blog tonight. Coz it has truly been therapeutic. My head is a lot clearer now. Still don't feel like giving a shit about school work though. Hahahahaha. But I doubt that's got anything to do with this.

Sigh. Things are always better in the mornings. Shitty nights are always resolved by sleep. But somehow I think things won't change one bit when I wake up. Coz tomorrow I'll go about the things I'm supposed to do, and the promises I made to myself in the heat of the moment will be forgotten. I'm weak that way.

Change damn it. It's really about time.